because life doesn’t fit in a file folder
Posted on

Can You Give Good Head(er)?

As you can see, I pushed the button and have a new & improved theme.

Squeee!

Thank you, Coraline.

Meanwhile, you probably notice that very boring prominent picture of dewy grass under my name.

Clearly, that has absolutely nothing to do with my tagline.

This is because I am technologically challenged when it comes to creating things like headers, and it will take me infinity years a while to create one.

Meanwhile, Tech created an awesome header for me.

In under 30 minutes.

You’ll notice, he emphasized the fact that I am a mother, a writer and, of course, my hotness.

According to my son, now I can write about all the things that I think are hot.

Like the sun and my boots and summer.

*ahem*

And while that may be be true, I’m still not convinced the header he made is doing it.

Let’s be clear. I am grateful my son made a header for me. It astounds me that my 13-year-old was able to figure out how to create a header in the first place, let alone one that flashes.

In under 30 minutes.

And while I totally appreciate that he believes that his momma is hot (that’s called the power of repetition folks), it doesn’t exactly go with my new hoo-ha.

Or maybe it’s that it looks like he is advertising my hoo-ha.

It’s kind of porny.

I mean, seriously.

It’s pretty flashy.

{As in: Nay Nay, your header is giving me a seizure.}

Not really what I was going for.

And then it occurred to me.

There are a lot of really creative people out there who are not technologically impaired the way I am. Why not ask my friends and readers, my peeps on Facebook, and my tweeps on Twitter to see if they want to take a stab at it?

I mean there are actual graphic artists out there who might be interested in whipping something up in exchange for some street cred.

Here we go.

The Rules.

Design a new header for my blog incorporating something that you think represents the concept of my blog — Because Life Doesn’t Fit in A File Folder. So if you are new here, you might want to read a couple of posts.

Here are some things to know about me:

  • I have sparkly reading glasses.
  • I like words. Especially double-entendres.
  • I am a mom.
  • I am a teacher.
  • I hate clutter.
  • I am hot. (It’s a delusion, but go with me on this.)
  • I love Canada Dry Ginger Ale. (“It’s not too sweet.”)

Specs.

Your design needs to fit on into a Coraline header: 990 x 180.

And I’d like you to integrate my avatar into the header in some way.

Please put this in the header somewhere.

Submit your images via email in .JPG or .PNG files. When you submit, please be sure to identify yourself and let me know if you are attached to a particular blog or Facebook page, so I can link up to your fabulousness. (If you would prefer your submission to be anonymous, just let me know.)

Multiple submissions allowed.

The Deadline.

Thursday, November 1, 2012, 12 MIDNIGHT EST.

The Grand Prize.

Prominent linky-love on my blog on a tab called Header Credit. That’s right, every time someone clicks to see who made that header, they will know, you did.

And a $25 gift card to any place of your choice. As long as I can get the gift card at my local grocery store. But seriously, they have everything. (And just in time for the holidays!)

Why Don’t I Just Hire Someone?

Some folks might say I’m crazy to put something like this into the hands of the people. Well, it’s an election year. And I have faith in the people.

Faith that people will want the best header to represent my blog. Faith that no one will do anything too wonky so as to damage my new & improved platform. Faith that people will do near anything for some linky-love and a $25 gift card.

As this is an election year, I believe it is only fair to listen to the people…

But seriously. This is my header, people. I can’t slap anything up there!

Entries will be shown during the month of November and a I will announce the big winner on Thanksgiving (Thursday, November 22, 2012, 6 am EST) because I will be filled with so much gratitude.

Spread the word. Tell your friends who are graphic artists or professional artists know how to do something awesome with Adobe and Photoshop and Picnik and Gimp and all those other cool programs about which I know absolutely nothing.

I have no idea what kind of magic folks might come up with.

But I have faith in some of you.

I’m already peeing a little from excitement. Sorry, that happens sometimes. That probably shouldn’t be in my header. Maybe.

Do you have what it takes to make a header? Or are you all about the words? What kinds of words/images would you like to see included on my header? Is all that flashing giving you a migraine yet?

tweet me @rasjacobson

85 thoughts on “Can You Give Good Head(er)?

  1. I don’t know how to make a header, either. I love reading your stuff, though!

    1. Who does? Hopefully someone! 🙂

  2. I’m taking Head(er)101 right now and will see what I can do about giving you a good Head(er).

    😀 There should be some pretty good stuff!

    1. Oh Zack! I just know that if anyone can deliver good head(er), you are that guy. I know you will do it right. IYKWIM. 😉

      1. I AM that guy! I will deliver with gusto IYKWIM

  3. Renee,
    if I could do this, I would…but I do not give good head (ER)

    Love the hot mama header! Xx

    1. Kim.

      You can hire someone for me. I will use anyone as long as he (or she) knows what he (or she) is doing. If you know what I mean. 🙂

  4. I have no wisdom on the creation of a header. But I did get a pretty good giggle out of the one your son made for you. 😉

    1. Oh I bet you are good. Really good. You are probably just saving yourself for someone else. It’s okay. I understand. 😉

  5. I can probably make you a header, if you want. Will have a go at that later today. 🙂 I’ve made all my own ones in the past, and I had Coraline for my original blog for a while.

    1. Omigosh Val! YES! YES! YES! Give it to me! I know you know what your doing. I mean you are an artist! You will do it with swirl. It might be the best head(er) in the whole blogosphere. So give it to me. Please. Don’t make me wait too long. 😉

      1. Hold yer horses, girl, am working on it! 😉 (I’ll email you later.)

      2. Email should now be with you!

        1. Got it and I love them. I’m considering changing the rules to accept multiple entries! Maybe. But there’s one I really like. 😉

          1. I’m not sure if you know this, but you can store different headers in the media library. So then you can have a change whenever you like it. 🙂

          2. Oh no. When I commit to something, I use it for years. 😉

  6. I would if could but I couldn’t. But someone will, I know. Good luck!

    1. I totally understand. There are places I cannot go either. I’m sure someone will do it for me. And maybe it’ll be really good. 😉

  7. First of all, discovering the actual meaning of the title of this post has caused in me more disappointment than the first presidential debate.

    Secondly, there is no question you are hot … at least to a desperate 62 year old Jewish man. In fact, reference to spontaneously peeing only enhances that effect for me.

    Good luck with the header competition, but I can’t help here. I’ve been trying to figure out how to improve mine for almost three years. If I could use your avatar, maybe I could get me some damn readers!

    1. I am more exciting than Obama and Romney? Really? Wow. That’s low praise man. But I’m glad I have your attention. And I’ll bet if you wanted to you could get something up.

      I mean at your blog. You know I think you are very funny. And funny is decidedly hot.

  8. You are hysterical, and I can’t wait to see what someone comes up with!

    1. Oh, I’m sure someone will come “up” with something. IYKWIM. <–Google it. LOL. 😉

      And by the way, I've got my reservations.

      Did you see what I did there?

      1. Ha ha. I did Google it.

        1. Good reading, right? Now you know the hashtag guaranteed to get you some attention. I have a column designated for IYKWIM on TweetDeck.

          1. AITYD

  9. Ha! WOW! You weren’t kiddin’ about the flashiness. I am so impressed with his skillz. And now I shall challenge them. Mwahahahaha…

    1. Jules! Please be better than my kid at giving good head(er). I mean, for the love of Pete, you are taking a class in this stuff! Plus you KNOW stuff about me.

      Please don’t include the fact that I drank pee in my header. That would be great. 😉

      I’m not bitter that I didn’t win your contest. Those entries were awesome.

  10. Call me. I know where they keep the Depends.

  11. While this is a brilliant idea, you don’t want me to design your header. You wouldn’t like it. I wouldn’t like it. There’d be a lot of disliking going on.

    Instead, I’ll stock up on popcorn between now and then…looking forward to the show. 🙂

    1. Oh baby, now that I am free to show…there will be show. It’s about to get steamy in here.

      Sit back and enjoy the show. Or jump on the table and shake your badonkadonk with me.

      You decide. 😉

  12. I can see Tech’s header replacing that belly fat woman that shows up in every frame of every high-traffic website. He does have some mad skills.

    I do not, so I’ll just watch the creativity fly. Love your new theme, btw.

    1. Can you even believe that he figured that out? He said he would make another.

      But it would cost me.

      If all else fails, I think I know what I want for the holidays this year. A 3-hour session with TechSupport.

  13. We truly are sisters now. I too use Coraline. I did my header in about 10 minutes. Sometimes, I just like to get right to it, IYKWIM.

    1. Baby, do me in 10 minutes. I don’t need long and fancy. I just need. Girl, I need you. And you know Coraline. There is no reason you couldn’t give me the bombiest head(er) ever.

      Except for that whole my-book-is-coming-out thing. 😉

      1. Dahling, when you’ve been at it as long as I have, you learn to finish headers quickly…

        1. I assume this means you have finished grading papers, yes? Good! Now off to bed you go. I hear there’s this guy who will copy edit in exchange for…humor. And other stuff. #IYKWIM.

  14. Alas, I too am woefully inept in the art of creating web designs. If I could, I would totally whip one up for you. And unfortunately, my kids are still too young to know how to do all that. Give me about 5 years, and they could probably design an entire web page for you.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take some aspirin for this crushing headache I have now all of a sudden. I’m seeing white flashing lights when I close my eyes as well. Weird. :p

    1. Of course you aren’t in the mood. You have a headache. I understand. Completely. 😉

  15. Oh, my, that flashing thingy gave me a headache, too. And I think you need a capital letter or two up there. Because thirty-something years ago my English teacher said that’s how you do it, and you know what a rule-follower I am. 😉

    1. Well, here’s the thing: the girl with a ridiculously long name also needs to break some rules. People have repeatedly told me they are afraid of making mistakes on my blog: you know, because I’m an English teacher.

      So.

      I’m downplaying my English teacher self in hopes that folks will find me more approachable — and stop being disappointed by the fact that mine is not an educational blog. At all.

      FYI: I sign my name in all lowercase letters. Just sayin’. 😉

      1. Wait, do you mean to tell me that Mr. Lockwood was wrong, and I don’t have to follow the rules?

        1. Well, you do. But I can shake my badonkadonk if I want to. I learned that on Bravo. 😉

  16. Dang! Nothing here for the tech-challenged like me to do. I’ll be curious to see what all your talented readers come up with.

    And I agree that the flashy thing is too…flashy. But I love the picture.

    1. I’ve already received some submissions. Now I have to figure out how to shrink them down so they don’t cover your face in the sidebar. 😉

  17. I’m completely useless for stuff like this, but I like the idea of incorporating pee into your header. I feel like my current header would just be a giant pile of bodily functions, all revolving around a throbbing uterus.
    And now I’ve grossed myself out.

    1. Hmmmm. Well, that would be something. People would either think it is the most fantastic uterus in the whole world or be grossed out right along with you.

      Maybe through in a little placenta for good measure? 😉

      1. My mother-in-law makes an AMAZING steak and kidney pie that everyone just picks the kidney out of and eats the steaky parts.
        I totally ruined it for Husbandio by suggesting that we get her to make a steak and placenta pie to celebrate our birth.
        This was secretly an amazingly sly move on my part to keep Husbandio AWAY FROM MY PIE.

        I’m sorry. This is NOT header-related and just randomly disgusting.

        1. I love your randomly disgusting comment. Fantastic! Will you please be a guest blogger for me? You are so much funnier than I am! 😉 Next thing you’re gonna tell me you have sparkly glasses and really fabulous hair.

          1. I would happily spend my life writing about anything you told me to write about. I don’t have sparkly glasses, but I DO have mustache glasses that I plan to wear in the birthing tub when I’m pushing out Bob Marley…does that count?
            Also, my hair sucks BALLS right now, but stay tuned because on October 30 it will be so fantastic you’ll want to scratch your eyes out from jealousy.

  18. Okay.. so I have ideas, just not sure I could technically pull it off.

    I need a few more things from you for it to work. I’ll email you.

    1. Definitely do. But don’t expect any pictures of TechSupport of Hubs. It ain’t happening. You know at least 4 ways to get in touch with me.

      By the way, awesome awesome awesome stuff about you and Bobbi in the newspaper. I read your post and then read the article and then SQUIRREL.

      I forgot to come back.

      So proud of both of you.

    2. Kel, the answer is yes about the Bobbi stuff. But you know I’m 6 hours away from NYC, right? You crazy Texans think we New Yorkers all live downstate. I live 1 hour from the Canadian border. Western, NY! 😉

      1. I only mentioned it because I think you asked the question, “Does she need a place to stay?” making me immediately shorten the distance in my head you lived to NYC.

        And I have never been to the northeast, so I really have no scope of where things are at, other than NYC is big, but NY is much bigger. And a lot of states are really close together and you could probably drive to about 7 of them before I’d even get out of Texas. 🙂

  19. Did you know that everything but the ‘(er)’ fits into the title on email feeds? LOL On mine, anyway, which makes it EVEN FUNNIER. And that’s no easy feat. (The red hot mama bits, though, total non-fiction.)

    Congrats on your new theme and all you’re learning. And what a groovy contest. 🙂

    1. Omigosh! That is hilarious! No, my email looks just fine. But LOVE that.

      Except that I’m probably going to get all kinds of porny SPAM now. I mean, I basically asked for it. IYKWIM. 😉

  20. Congrats RED HOT MAMA!

    1. So glad you agree on my hot momma-ness. Maybe a little less flash, eh?

  21. OMG (*not Jenny Hansen’s definition*) RAS-J RHM – you just keep the laughter coming and that truly is talent! This contest is a brilliant idea and SO much better than hiring a “normal” designer. Can’t wait to see the entries!

    1. Patricia, I’m glad you find my technological paralysis amusing. I think this will be really fun. And I already have a few submissions! Squeeeee! I’m excited. This is going to be fun.

      Or a disaster.

      Because it could totally go either way.

  22. Clever girl… trying to get free graphics. And the Dew Photo will certainly help… your followers will hate it so much, they will be clamoring to help you design a new one.

    I think Tech did a fine job myself, but that’s just me.

    Seriously, the photo he used is much better and more flattering than the one you are forcing everyone to use. I will not do it… I will use St. Pauly Girl Photo first. You are safe, because designing web sites is not one of my strong points. You look like a lumberjackchick or at best a treehugger… are you sure you don’t live in the Great Pacific Northwest… they are underfoot everywhere.

    I like the title of your blog… the font and outlay… very professional.

    Still waiting to catch a glimpse of the Sparkly Glasses… I guess I will have to talk to Tech.

    1. p.s. nice blog title, btw…

    2. Hi Ted! There are so many talented people out there, I figure why not have a little fun? My readers often get me better than I get myself! Some of the entries so far are fabulous!

      Glad you liked my snappy title. It only took 4.3 bajillion minutes to come up with that one.

      1. I’m sure Tech could have done it sooner, but judging by his banner… maybe 4.3 bajilion minutes was worth the price… I do like your title.

  23. well, you certainly have some nice-looking digs here, Renee. As for techno-bloggy thingamajigs, I’ve tried and failed in the past to jazz one up for my own blog. I am just terrible at that sort of thing.

    1. Dar: HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? Come on! You are always making those away cool drawings on your blog! I don’t know how you do that. I think you just want me to suck. Is that what you want? Help me, Dar! Please!

  24. Visit my blog, then tell me you want me to design your header–go ahead–I dare you. I have about as much tech savvy as a frog.

    1. Frogs are not known for being tech-savvy.

      If only we were geckos. They know everything.

      1. good point – I am so not a gecko

  25. Unfortunately, my tech skills are of the cut and paste variety, but I love your photo and your son’s wisdom and genius! I’ll pass this on to some of my techy friends who are addicted to Starbucks or B&N! I’m only addicted to Oreos and Linky love! And, BTW, can I have some of your delusions? You definitely qualify as “hot!”

    1. If you figure out how to design a header for me, I will give you $25 to your local grocery store. You can buy lots of Oreos with $25! And yes, please spread the word! I would be so grateful!

  26. Renee, lots of fun at your place with the contest–and I’m looking up the letter thingy on Google as soon as I finish writing this…I really love the one your son made, very catchy but the flashing makes one look away. You know this is just the kind of help I’m looking for–can I have sloppy seconds?

    1. I’m working on it for you. #IYKWIM

  27. Howza ’bout I come over with a bottle of tequila and help you judge the entries? That’s about as artistic as I get.

    1. Right now there are 4 entries. Someone is going to be very excited! I hope that more people will submit as the deadline approaches!

  28. I don’t know if I can help here, I designed my header shortly after I started. It took me a while to figure out how to size it properly and then actually get it to appear. Now every time I think about changing it, I realize I don’t remember how I got it there in the first place! That porno header is pretty sweet though… the whole blinking thing… I wish I knew how to do that!! 🙂

    1. Steve! I have no idea how he does 1/2 of what he does. Should I be worried? Or just give him $50 a month to be my Tech Guy?

      1. $50 a month sounds a little steep, but maybe you could negotiate an hourly rate!

        1. In the summer, I gave him a few bucks per job, but his skills have reached a ridiculous level. He says I need to put him on retainer as I am interrupting with his homework.

          It’s true. I might be screwing up his GPA.

  29. It’s a tough ask for sure. That’s why I always prefer to go for themes which do not support the header. 🙂

    1. Oh, I HAVE to have my hotness represented — although if this contest doesn’t fly, I can always keep my gravatar right where it is and look for a new theme. Or just keep the grass.

      No.

      I have faith in the people!

  30. Did I not Like this til just now? I can’t believe I didn’t. Good luck!

  31. […] my contest to create a real header for my blog? No? You have until November 1 at midnight. Click HERE for […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *