Life Doesn't Fit in a File Folder

Do You Think I Could Survive?

I don’t watch a lot of television.

But my DVR is set every Thursday night.

I am a Survivor Junkie.

I’ve watched Survivor ever since the very first episode aired back in 2000.

I remember sitting in front of the television, wishing wishing wishing that I wasn’t 7 months pregnant.

I know that sounds terrible, but seriously. Why didn’t that show come out two years earlier?

From that moment on, I’ve dreamed about being on Survivor.

I remember watching the season when the contestants were in Australia. People were severely dehydrated, their beautiful bodies became skeletal. A participant had to be evacuated because of injuries.

And yet.

I still wanted to do it.

Each season has offered surprises.

There have been tribal swaps and fake merges. Sometimes tribes have been divided by gender; sometimes by age, once by race Sometimes both tribes have had to share the same beach. They introduced hidden immunity idols in Survivor Guatemala, and I thought: Freaking Brilliant!

I have watched contestants lie in an effort to win the big prize, and I have watched contestants struggle, trying to remain true to their morals knowing in order to win they would have to break their own personal code of ethics — if they wanted to win.

I have also watched contestants who have played for the love of the game. For those players, it hasn’t been about the money. It has been about the adventure.

Each season, I have thought, One day. I will be on that show.

I have applied before.

And I have been rejected.

My husband laughs at me. He says Survivor is played out. He can’t believe I still watch it. My son now watches with me, but he thinks I’d be voted off at the first tribal council.

Nice, right?

The other day, I saw CBS was doing a casting call.

And I thought, My “baby” is 13 years old now.

I can do this.

I want to do this.

So I did.

This is my 4th time.

I’d love to show you the video I sent, but I don’t know if that could get me disqualified.

But I’ll show you that I started out wearing this:

Hi. I’m Renée. I have sparkly glasses…

And then I ended up wearing this:

…but, if vision is optional, I will work the hotness factor.

I really would love to know how I would do in such an intensely physical and mental game.

Right now, I am learning how to make fire without flint.

I’m reading up on all kinds of tips about how to survive out in nature.

Because I want this.

So cross your fingers for me.

Because, as dorky as it sounds, being on Survivor is my 13-year-old dream.

And I’d love to make it come true.

How do you think I’d do? And what ONE luxury item do you think would be wise to bring alone?

tweet me @rasjacobson

Blogger Deb Bryan’s husband was on Survivor and you can be sure that when Deb wrote THIS interview, I sat up and paid attention! Ba.D, you better believe that if I make it through this round, I’m going to find you and ask for tips!

92 thoughts on “Do You Think I Could Survive?

  1. Oh my goodness, if you got on Survivor, I think Tiffany and I would have long distance viewing parties to cheer you on!

    I think I’d do well at the mental part, but the physical games I’d lose. Also, I’d be sweating to death because I can’t work the bikini like you can. 🙂

    1. Amber! How much fun would it be if you guys were blogging about how my bikini is losing its elasticity. But for real — can you imagine? All my blogging buddies (hopefully) rooting for me is cyberspace. I think it would be awesome sauce.

    2. My fingers are crossed for you!! I am a Survivor junkie too, but know I could NEVER play that game. If you make it, I am totally on board with doing a weekly Renee/Survivor special. Seriously.

  2. Have never ever ever been attracted to that show one iota. lol My thoughts: you are very competitive, you would do well. On the other hand, girrrrrrlllll, the way you fuss, first day of bad humidity hair or a painful bathing suit wedgie, you will have a meltdown. hahaha (now you know that wasn’t a hater comment, just bein’ funny, right?) 🙂

    1. Hi Madge! I’m actually NOT a fusser. I’m a camper. My real life friends know my favorite summers were the ones spent outdoors for 7-8 weeks away from home. That said, I wasn’t pooping in the woods. I mean, the bathrooms might have been gross, but we had toilet paper. 😉

      I wonder if hair elastics count as luxuries items. Crap. That would suck. I guess my buff would become some kind of do’ rag.

      1. Ok fine… so I’d be the one complaining. While I’m no shrinking violet, I was a competitive swimmer up through college, I much prefer sitting on my ass these days and not trudging through muck or eating bugs. 🙂

  3. I think you’d WIN. Or be voted off by the jealous chicks. Your luxury item should be body paint, although that might end up being the cause of the jealousy that ultimately gets you voted off. Hmm.

    And I can teach you how to catch fish in a moving stream using sticks, and build a tripod to keep your stuff off of the ground. Three boys in Cub Scouts taught me some stuff. 😉

    1. See! You are a good person to ask. We met each other from cyberspace and crossed over. I’m pretty likable, right? But at this point, I’m old. I’m thinking I could slip under the radar. They might not think I’m a threat. Because. let’s face it. I’m probably not. 😉

      I might need to schedule an emergency trip to NOLA to learn hoe to build that tripod thing. I can fish. But I need to master this fire thing. I always think the dumb people are the ones who go on the show and don’t know how to do fire. #Duh!

      1. You are downright lovable, Renee! If you come down for survival training, I’ll take you down into the marsh and go all primitive.

        Should we start a “Let’s get Renee on Survivor” Facebook page or something???

  4. NICE! If they don’t put you on that show, I don’t know anything any more. You’re perfect for it!

    I mean, you don’t even drink. What else are you going to do? I mean…you should be rewarded for that.

    P.S. – I think the chipmunk bikini would have gotten more attention, but that one’s totally hot, too.

    1. The chipmunk bikini! Dammit! Jules, if the deadline were not tonight at midnight, I would have made you tell me what to do. I would have had you totally style me, but their thing says, :they want NORMAL people — so I went with the retired teacher looking for an adventure. Because it’s true. But I forgot to mention the THiRTEEN YEAR OLD DREAM! Can you imagine? #Duh! Maybe they’ll see this and see you and I can hint that there is a picture of me at YOUR site if they Google chipmunk bikini.

      And then you’ll probably get a reality-TV show. Because you are that funny! And you should be on TV.

  5. Woo-ee! Hot mama! I love that you applied for Survivor, Renee. You’d make a phenomenal contestant.

    A friend of mine was on the show several years ago. Based on her experience, I recommend bringing FOOD. 😉 Hide it in your undies if you have to. That’s how much you’ll want it.

    1. Does that mean I’d get the extra pat down? If it does, I will totally hide a corned beef sandwich in my pants.

      Wow, that sounds wrong.

      Seriously, if you know someone on the show, you HAVE to put me in touch with this person. I am gathering tips.

  6. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you actually applied for the show! My favorite Survivor memory was when we were in Russia in late 2001 and we watched “Survivor: Russia” with our host family. What was the first thing the Russians did when they were stranded on a deserted Pacific Island? Make a distillery, of course. (No, I am not kidding)
    You will have to figure out how to get your ginger ale with a twist of lime. Or not.
    Either way, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you because, how cool would I be if I could tell people I know one of the contestants? Because, as you should know by now, it IS all about me….
    OK, and you, too. Good luck!!!

    1. Hi Dawn! Well, you know me. I don’t even drink. So if they have one of those chalenges where the reward is beer or wine, they’d better have some ginger ale in there for me! 🙂 Thanks for the support!

      I would LOVE to see an episode of Survivor Russia. Soooo funny that they made a distillery. (But also kind of sad.)

      1. That was exactly what we thought when we saw it. Our host, who was translating for us, said, “and we wonder why we have stereotypes.” Although, I have to tell you that in December it gets pretty stinking cold. And tea and vodka DO do the trick of warming you all the way through…. Still, I’m not sure that vodka should be more important than, say, FOOD!

  7. Oh. My. GAWD! I freaking LOVE that show!! I feel more famous now just by proxy of “knowing” you!! I have watched religiously, except for 2 years. I got bored with it about year 4, and that year was pretty meh. I watched about half of that season then stopped. And since I stopped, I didn’t watch the next year, which I think was the Rupert/Jenna year? I might have missed two years. Not sure. Anyway . . .

    The hubs and I always talked about what reality show would be good for us, back when reality shows were all the rage. We both decided that Survivor would not be my bag. I HATE camping and the great outdoors, and am severely socially handicapped. I would be the first to go, probably.

    I think you will do great. You would just have to make an alliance early-on, and hope that you aren’t on a tribe with all young, cute models that want to vote out the “older” people. (P.S. I love how the older people are usually like 35 or 40. Gee, thanks!). Please, please, please tell us if you get accepted. And show us the video if it’s not against the rules!! I will watch the bejeesus out of that show and cheer you on SO HARD. I know you can do it. And I really hope they accept you. Good luck!!

    1. Hi Misty! WEll, it was just the casting call — not even the application of anything else. Hopefully, I’ll get that far. I have, however, received the note indicating that they have received materials. So I am on my way.

      I so want this.

      The timing is right.

      Hell, I’m unemployed come December.

      And part of my shtick was that even though I am going to be 45, most people think I look younger. So I guess I played the “hot for teacher card.” 😉

  8. I used to love that show! Haven’t watched it in many seasons, though. I couldn’t survive a day on that show. All the mind games, the hunger, the bugs, the…the…hunger. LOL But I REALLY hope you get on. I’d watch religiously! 🙂 I totally think you’d slip under the radar.

    1. I have never missed an episode. Once my husband taped over an episode or the power went out or something, and I went ballistic. That is when I learned it is possible to stream on the computer the next day.

      Oh, Annie! Keep your fingers crossed for me.

      I. So. Want. This. 😉

  9. I haven’t watched Survivor for a few years now, but I’d watch faithfully if you were on. I think that would be great!

    My ex sent in an application about 11 years ago. I was somewhat hopeful that he’d get selected just so he would be gone for a while. Bad, I know. But, I was more horrified that he would be picked and I’d have to go on national TV admitting that I was married to a guy like him. haha! Now, if you are selected, I’d jump up and down and say “I know her, I know her”

    1. Hahahahaha! I knew a guy who was The Bachelor. He was such a dork in real life, and they kept calling him The Prince. I couldn’t watch it at all. It was hilarious. But I do think it would be interesting to see how they characterize me. How they distill me into my core essence. I wonder what kind of character I’d make. I do think I’d be a character. 😉

  10. I’m on team RAS-J. I listen to about 6 Survivor podcasts. Slightly obsessed, yet I don’t think I’d ever want to be on the show. I hope you make it. I knew Charlie from Survivor Gabon in college, but it would be cooler for my former teacher to be a player.

    Here’s my advice: lay low at the beginning, if that’s possible. Always remember that numbers are paramount. Know how to make a fire. Don’t be afraid to make a big move, but only when it’s necessary and will REALLY benefit you. Don’t be afraid to lie, but minimize them. Remember, your best ally is lying to you. Try to remain emotionally neutral. Be in good shape, but put on some weight before you begin. Pray there are no returning players in the game. If there are, either get rid of them immediately or ride them to the end. But not all the way. Cut them loose before it’s too late! Carry a sure loser with you to the final 3 (don’t be that person who wants to bring someone worthy to the end–you’re there to win, and you can patch up relationships afterward). Become a regular caller to the podcasts.

    Whatever you do, don’t be the first person voted off!!!!

    But I’ve got no idea about a personal item.

    1. Omigosh! Ben, I would LOVE to have all my former students out there sending the love vibes.

      You are so right. On everything. But *whispering* we should not be discussing strategy online. But yes yes and yes.


      Don’t you think it would be a bad idea to put on weight before? Seriously, I have thought about this. If my body is used to a certain amount of calories, wouldn’t it be wise to actually take in fewer calories? Like go on a diet before the show? I’ve actually been pretty stable for the last 5 years, so I could lose 5 pounds so that eating rice and coconuts wouldn’t feel like a hardship. I’ll email you on FB and we can chat about this.

      But yes, I would HATE to be the first one to go! So embarrassing! Ack!

      Right now, I’m focusing on getting on the show! Now getting off!

  11. I think you’d exhaust all the 18 year olds by Day 2. My dream is to be on The Amazing Race. I have travel sense and a wicked sense of direction and will eat just about anything. I don’t think I argue enough, however.

    Luxury item? A journal and pen.

    1. My friend Ellen and her husband would be amazing on Amazing Race. The only thing is, like you, they never argue. You’d have to fake it to get on the show. Or wear crazy outfits. Or something. But I think you could fake good TV, Shirtsleeves.

      Meanwhile, I think I could have to leave the journal at home. It would get soggy. Or I might start eating the pages. I think I would a coat that morphs into a giant tarp. Or something. 😉

  12. Ben is right. You’ll want to put on a little weight before show. So continue to exercise, but beef up your diet a bit. (Remember, that’s also what Katniss did before entering the arena.) If they would allow a Swiss army knife as a luxury item, that’s my suggestion. If not, maybe iodine tablets or tweezers. (I suspect tweezers could be very multi-purpose.) Toilet paper or a jar of peanut butter could also turn out to be a priceless commodity. If this sounds random, bear in mind I’m always mentally preparing for the zombie apocalypse.

    Haven’t watched the show in years, but I’m sure you’ll do great!

    1. Of course. Katiss. I will be Katniss. Dammit. I should have said that in my video. I wish I had asked everyone what I needed to include in my video, but — of course — this was done at the last minute. Hopefully, my bathing suit shot will be enough.

      I know plenty of people planning for the zombie apocalypse. I don’t know. The idea of being eaten doesn’t scare me. 😉

      Meanwhile, toilet paper hidden in a peanut butter jar sounds like a very good idea.

  13. Um, awesome. I’m pretty sure I’d never make it on the show. I need a daily diet of Milk Duds to survive. Plus, the Milk Duds make me wear those parachute-sized one piece suits with a frilly little skirt attached. Unless they are looking for a player to fill the chubby funny housewife demographic and then I am SO in. Keeping fingers crossed for you, lady!

    1. Tori! I would be so psyched, but now I’ve seen some of the videos that people sent in — and mine sucks. Omigosh! People are total tech heads. Their videos are all produced and stuff. I guess my fate rests on my boobs. 😉

  14. I haven’t missed an episode. Ever. (Although I almost boycotted this season when I thought they were going to let Colton return. What a horrible human.)

    Anyway, consider all my fingers and toes crossed for you. And also consider me jealous of that picture of you in your bra top.


    Let’s do this.

    1. Colton was a terrible, terrible human.

      And yet.

      He made for very good television.

      It would be very hard to live with someone like that. I might have thrown a punch in which case, as we all know, I would have been tossed off the island.

      Maybe my kid is right.


  15. OMG – you’ll be perfect! Smart, sassy, sexy, survivor! Only one problem I can envision – no blogging! However, if the honchos at CBS know about your huge fan base (online and off), maybe they’ll make an exception and you could blog about your experience every night! And then, when you win, you kick ole Elizabeth Hasselback off The View and take her spot! I see only positives coming from this ;-)! Good luck! And if CBS needs a reference for your brilliance, I’m available!

    1. Hi Mare! Oooh! Did you hear her CBS: I’m the smart, sassy, sexy survivor.

      I am totally willing to put aside my writing to do this.

      So you KNOW I’m serious.

      I might carve a few blogs into trees with my fingernails if necessary. No worries. Unless there are no trees. 😉

  16. Good Luck! I hope you get on the show! I have to admit I have actually never seen a full episode, but everyone I know who watches it loves it so maybe I should start….

    1. You’ve never seen it? Whaaaaat? How is that even possible? Well, it makes sense actually, you were busy working when it came out. I was stuck on the couch with an infant. Check out ONE episode and tell me if you think I could do it. 😉

  17. You’ve got to love it when our kids support us in the pursuit of our dreams. First out?! Not a chance! I have no doubts you could ride that wave all the way to the win.
    My BFF has the crazy dream of following Shakelton’s journey to the antarctic. Now this from you? I’ve surrounded myself by crazy survival junkies! I’d rather rough it in a 5 star hotel, but to each their own, I guess. I’ll be holding good thoughts that you earn your spot on Survivor and that you are the last woman standing.
    Oh, and don’t forget the Chapstik–that, I think, would be essential.

    1. I actually told the people in my video that I HATE the cold. I’m okay as long as the sun comes out sometimes, but if this is the season they decide everyone needs to exchange their bikinis for parkas because it’s SURVIVOR: Alaska. Um, I’m out.

      I would quit right then and there. There is suffering and then there is suffering.

      Chapstick. That is good. (Do you think Tampax are considered luxury items?)

  18. Yes Yes Yes!!!! oh how I hope you get on…..I have seen almost all of the episodes but I must admit it has been a long time since I have been excitedly rooting for a contestant… YOU???? YOU i would be excited about and I think many others would be as well! Oh I cant wait!!!!! Gosh I hope you get on! GOOD LUCK and keep us posted. Luxury item….either something to write with (ipad….pen and paper..because I am not so sure you could not write for 40 days)….or a pic of Tech support and your hubby…isn’t this a no brainer? 🙂

    1. Jill! Did you see Tech up there ^. He left a lovely comment. So supportive. And THAT is why I need old friends like you. You saw my butt from 1st – 12th grade in various gym classes not to mention all those times I had to wear my cheerleading skirt (and decided to give a little flash). It’s seems to be holding it’s own, but maybe they would blur it out. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? To step on camera and turn around, and find out later that they blurred my butt? Because it was that offensive? Hahahahahaha!

      I’m thinking my iPad would not hold a charge for very long and paper would get lost or soggy. Think like a survivor, Ms. 5-star hotel. I’m thinking leg warmers or nail clippers. Or a dress that could be converted into a tent. Or food. 😉

      1. Yes..I saw tech’s comment…but he’s still young…although maturing nicely. He’s not survivors demographic anyways! I think you’d make it far…if not all the way…just listen when I yell at you in the TV ….lol….remember all the times that there would have been a fantastic upset and someone chickened out….they ALWAYS end up heading home soon after.
        You look fantastic girl….far better than 1 thru 12…..back then you were a little ….well(searching for the right word) scrawny? (not the right word but coming from someone who was most definitely never even close to scrawny don’t take offense) point being then vs. now….well you’ve turned up the heat and achieved Hotness! Go girl! They only blur nipples and genitals so just be sure they are covered….there are surely things that would have been blurred…..should have been blurred if it was only a matter of unappealing footage.
        Ahhh you called me out on my 5 star preference…..never been much of a camper…..wait til your next poll requesting us to share our experiences in the wild….hilarious!
        Anyways good luck you’ll be great and I will be beyond excited to watch you not go home first and maybe even win! Yay!

        1. I know about your preference for the finer things in life. Shivering in the rain next to 15 people who smell like ass…that’s sooooo not you! I would LOVE to hear about your camping experiences gone wild! I’m not kidding! I’m planning a series on embarrassing moments in 2013. Maybe you’d like to be a guest blogger, Ms. H. 😉

    1. My boobs are better than my butt…which is why I should be one of your BOOBS!

      Oooh! Did you see what I did there? See how I turned that around and kind of begged to featured on your wall of BOOBS? Yeah. I want that. Is there some kind of challenge I need to do to make that happen?

  19. This TOTALLY made my day! How many minutes until we find out?

    Do we know yet?
    How about now?


    SURELY now!

    If you get on, I will be your most loyal, most outspoken, and most crazy-bordering-on-obsessive fan!!!

    1. That’s the worst thing! You don’t find out unless they contact you. It’s just silence. Unless they want more of me. *fingers crossed* I promise to let you know if I make it to the next level. Unless I’m not allowed to.

      But if I suddenly stop posting once a week, you’ll know why. 😉

    1. I HOPE this is my season. Because I’m getting old. If I had done this 13 years ago, I would have been closer to 30.

      And yet.

      I think I am ion better mental shape now than I was back then.

      And I am in better physical shape.

      I think. I don’t know. I haven’t been tested in a long time, but I can still do backflips off the diving board, no problem. 😉

      Keeping my expectations low low low. Because, you know. Eleventeen- bajillion people try out for this thing.

  20. I SO GET the love of Survivor. I’ve followed every episode … and even used to make my parents video tape it and then mail the video tapes to China 🙂 … then they’d record it on DVD and mail to China. THEN IT WAS IN CHINA and so was I … but not in the same area. Fingers crossed for you! What do you think of the current season?

    1. How cool that it is in China…and that you were in China. Even if it wasn’t in the same area. It’s still cool to KNOW the area.

      Regarding this current season, I am loving Malcolm and Denise. But somebody had better plan to take them out because I want to write both of them checks right now. I love both of them that much! What do you think? Who do you want to take it? (They’d better keep that mean Brazilian chick around. She’s bitter. Just the kind of person you want with you at the end.)

  21. I have never watched Survivor, at least, not an entire episode. But I have friends who are devoted to the show and have been for many years.

    If you get on, I’ll be watching for sure. Wishing you love and luck!

    1. Liz: I will take your love & luck. Honestly, I would be there to win. But mostly I would love to see how I would do. I’d like to see how far I could go. I’d hate to be voted off and find out people thought I was lazy or not contributing to the tribe. Or annoying.

      I wouldn’t mind being voted off because I’m a threat! 😉

  22. I had no idea this show was still on!

    I hope you mentioned that you wouldn’t be there to make friends. That seems to be the Reality-TV equivalent of “Sometimes I work too hard” as a mandatory assertion in regular job interviews.

    1. No, I said I was there to win. That I am competitive.

      Hello, you’ve seen me in online contests. I play to win. I just won TWO contests this week. If I work that hard to win books, can you imagine what I’d do to win a million dollars?

      And can you imagine how many product endorsements I’d get even if I los? Metamucil. Activia. Women’s daily vitamins.

      Oh yeah, I’ve got this all figured out. 😉

      How is baby, Byro?

  23. A Jew (non-Israeli variety) doing Survivor type things on television? Hey, I’ll believe that when I see a Jew like me change a light bulb without a Swat Team standing by.

    The Hotness factor, well, you got something going there. Although it didn’t work for me …

    1. You know, I didn’t work the Jewish factor at all. That could have been a big mistake. Dagnabit, Perry! I should have played the Jew card. Thrown in a few “Oy vey, I’m a little worried about my hair.” That kind of thing.

      And then WHAMMO, I would have surprised them because I’m not that girl.

      Seriously, I will snack on my toenails if I have to.

  24. Renee, I have a feeling that, you are going to make it this time. And then I have to watch this show for the first time; as I have not watch a full episode yet. 🙂 But I am sure you will make it worth watching. Good Luck!!

  25. You would be absolutely perfect for this show! I can totally picture you on TV. Remember the little people when you’re famous, okay ?

    And, I’ve only missed one season (it was during my daughter’s colic newborn stage…) My daughter actually is in love with Survivor now too. We watch it together and she just asked last week, “Mom? how do they go to the bathroom?” I told her they go in the ground and use leaves. The look on her face was priceless. So, my luxury item would be TP for sure.

    1. Yeah. That part is a little rough. Like, I can camp and everything. But pooping without toilet paper? I haven’t done THAT kind of roughing it. I wonder if the folks at Survivor secretly provide contestants with TP. Seriously, with my luck, I’d wipe my you-know-what with some poison something-or-other and then need an emergency boat ride off the show, to make sure my coochie is still working. Can you imagine me writhing there? Shaking? “Oh, my BEEP. My BEEP. You guys, seriously. It is burning.” (Insert image of other contestants laughing.)

      Maybe my son is right. 😉

  26. I admit I have never ever watched the show, but should you be picked I will faithfully watch every single show you are on! From what I know of the show, I would suggest gaining some weight before they start filming, just a little mind you and bulking up on muscle. You are gorgeous, but with the diet they will give you, well you will need some extra bulk. Also, just a suggestion cut all your beautiful hair off, it will grow back. Just do a Demi Moore in GI Jane, show up ready to win!

    Luxury item? For me it would be a toothbrush but that is just me.

    1. If you think bulking up is the way to go, I’d do it. I thought it might be better to go the other way and reduce calories, so as not to shock my system. You know, maybe cut back on my 2 pm Snickers bar? So I don’t go into chocolate withdrawal. At least I don’t drink. Or smoke. Or gamble. Or use caffeine.

      But losing the chocolate would be tough. Oh Val, I so want this! How do I get voted ON the island!

  27. I would totally root for you on survivor. I watched the first 3 seasons, but got out of it. If you were on, I’d definitely start up again. I don’t think your dream is silly at all. I watched the final episode of Amazing Race with my parents, and I’m convinced if my oldest brother and I were a team, we could win. I asked my parents if they had to send two children into the race, who would they pick to win it and they chose me and my oldest brother! Yah! LOL

    1. Oh, thank you for rooting for me. The worst thing is that you just don’t know. They don’t tell you anything. So if I don’t hear anything that is very bad. But I won’t know when they have made their decisions or anything. I’d assume by Christmas.

  28. Oh my goodness–is there somewhere I can vote for you like 1000 times to help you get this????? You are so kick ass to #1. Want to do this and #2. Go for it. YES, I think you could make it!!!!

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