because life doesn’t fit in a file folder
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Just When I Think I’m Most Alone

photo via Amancay Maahs via Fotopedia

tall walls closing in around me, my

cardboard world sogging around my ears

my eyes, seeing only basements

and dirty floors and floors and floors

rising towards me and never any doors (and no

windows to climb out of) my skin and bones

boxing me in to a tiny beige package

of uncertainty where nothing is solid

except, perhaps, the darkness closing in

too fast, too fast (and

i’m praying it won’t last)

so i walk above ground, bumping against walls

insignificant against the day’s skyscrapers

where smoke drifts upward

chokes the sky, where dreams hover and die

and just when i am most alone, you

are with me, the friend

with whom i am certain to grow old

smiling secrets and i’m wondering

what could He see in me

all spotted and tough

and the walls recede:

His love is enough.

Who or what has helped pull you out of your darkest hours?

{This week, I thank Vickijo Campanaro for her ongoing, gentle support as I learn how to live courageously, and Debby Chornobil for her healing hands & encouraging heart.}

45 thoughts on “Just When I Think I’m Most Alone

  1. she makes me walk every morning–so I get exercise

    1. That’s awesome! I love walking with my friend. Her dog is the best!

  2. lovely sentiments, so perfectly captured. How blessed you are. Thanks for sharing.

  3. I can talk to my best friend about absolutely anything. He is interested in EVERYTHING! He is one of the most knowledgeable people I have ever met in my life, but also one of the most sensitive and caring people I know. Maybe that’s why he’s my best friend.

    1. How great that you have a GUY for a best friend. Wait, are you talking about your husband. If so, that’s wonderful. I love my hubby. And he is my partner. But my bestie? She gets me in a way that no one else does. Hubby doesn’t want to hear about my writing. Bestie? There’s nothing I can’t tell her. She’s a different kind of blessing.

  4. I am blessed with caring friends. I have two I consider tied for “best friend.”

    One is my sister, who loves me no matter what. I can share anything with her. And, she was my spiritual connection each morning during the first sixty days of my recovery from alcoholism. Her love is unconditional.

    The second? Equally supportive and understanding. Sherry Isaac, who I considered a best friend before I ever met her in person. She’s a rock of determination and encouragement, a stellar example of working through life’s bumps and she is always there if I need to talk myself down from an emotional cliff, or blather my way through some of the more difficult decisions in life.

    I can only hope I deliver that type of friendship, love, and support to them.

    Wonderful poem!

    1. You are so lucky to have TWO people in your life you know you could call ANYTIME and it would be fine. Really, you know how lucky you are, right? But I’m guessing you are a damn good friend yourself, Gloria.

  5. My Best friend can tell when there is something bothering me just by the sound of my voice. I can try as I may to ‘fake it’ and put on a cheery smile, and to everyone else it seems to suffice, but not her. She knows everytime, and always ends up dragging it out of me and making me feel much better.

    I really loved your poem! Job very well done with the symbolism and imagery! 🙂

    1. You’re so right. Out best friends don’t let us get away with that fake stuff. Good friends are blessings, aren’t they? May you grow old together!

  6. Gosh, I haven’t written a poem in ages. Used to be my thing as a teenager. I’m scared to look at them now. Love this. And love my BFF. He just gets me.

    1. I know, right? My writing roots are really in poetry. And when I feel exhausted, it helps to remember I don’t always have to explain so much. Sometimes I don’t need so many words to say what I want. And sometimes I find a great image I can import into my fiction or non-fiction. If you ever get stuck, give it a whirl. Thanks for stopping by!

  7. BF – that’s a HARD one to answer, babes. Love the poem … love the imagery.

    1. Really? Hmmmm. We shall have to discuss that. You know, one day, when we are on the beach. 😉

  8. She lets me be honest with her, and she’s honest with me.

  9. I love this. She always knows the right thing to say when I am feeling “most alone”.

    Love the poem.

    1. We are so lucky. I’m convinced of it. Because not everyone has that special someone. And all you need is one.

  10. Beautiful, Renee! My favorite parts are the rhythmic internal rhymes when they creep up. Would make a great spoken word poem! My best friends are the ones who’ve seen me through bad choices, but don’t judge. They respect me and I respect them because we’re able to be honest with each other. That and even if we don’t see each other for awhile, when we do, it’s like no time has passed.

  11. that was beautiful and moving. I enjoyed reading it. My best friend. I know she is there, even when she is not there. I can call on her and even if she is busy, I will be in her thoughts. If it is important, everything else will wait. there is history, long talks, walks, lots of tea and coffee and just knowing that even when I am alone, I am not really alone because somewhere out there, sometime we will come together.

  12. They raise me up, hold me accountable, laugh, cry, dance, sing and say grace with me. We are reflections of each other.
    Beautiful poem.

  13. Beautiful poem. I’m not sure if I have one best friend. I have a few close friends who have always been there for me. Friends are the ones who are always honest and tell you what you need to hear instead of only what you want to hear.

    My friend from college (who now lives in NJ) will be coming to visit in two weeks. She was the one who picked me up at JFK Airport at 5 am when I returned from spending a year in Israel, she comes into NYC to see me every year when I’m there, and she helped me collect a pee sample from Baka, outside the vet’s office, when he was a puppy. Now THAT’s friendship!

  14. My best friend and I joke that we are soulmates. I love the line in your poem that the love is enough. i believe it!

    1. I believe that best friends can be soulmates. I definitely found mine. We are all so lucky, yes?

  15. Beautiful, Renee. My best friend knows everything about me and continues to love me and show up for me. She tells me the truth, calls me on my bullshit, reminds me to be gentle with myself and is my biggest cheerleader. She’s my sister by choice and I adore her. And you! xo

    1. I LOVE that your sister is your best friend. THAT is the best compliment. You’d better send this comment to her. Do you tell her? Does she know how important she is to you? Have you written about her? If so, you’d better send me the link. STAT!

  16. Thanks for committing this poetry, Renee. It’s melancholy and uplifting at the same time.

    1. Just so you know, I am writing a post where I refer to a blogger I LOVE. I was going to link to you, but it seems a bit over the top. JUst so you know, she’s you. WHen I describe HER, I’m talking about you.

  17. I had wanted to comment on the poem before now but was unable. You, dear Renée, are talented. Simple as that.

    1. Thank you, Z. You are beyond kind. I know you have many very good friends to whom you are devoted. They are lucky people. Man, I miss you.

  18. Poetry? I should tell you about the Spring Pulse Poetry Festival. Consider coming up and joining in on the fun (but warn me, and I’ll put you in contact with the organizer).


    1. Wayne, didn’t the deadline pass on April 15? I would be interested in entering, if it’s not too late!

      1. I’ll call David in the morning, and see. Didn’t notice the date myself 🙂

        FYI, got another contract back by email, another short story sold!


        1. FANTASTIC! You are on a roll!

  19. **my eyes, seeing only basements

    and dirty floors and floors**

    LOoooove. Xxx

    1. Thanks for bopping by. You always make me feel so good. That’s what you do.

  20. Love this: my eyes, seeing only basements

    and dirty floors and floors

    and never any doors (and no

    windows to climb out of) …

    Know what? I don’t know that I have a bestie. Maybe I’m my own.

    1. I think it’s cool that you are your own bestie. I think a lot of guys are their own best friend. We chicks? We needs out best girlfriends because our husbands don’t always get us.

      1. The problem is when I get in a fight with my bestie. I don’t know whose side to take.

  21. Sorry to be late on this. Bad week…
    Love your poem and your wet cardboard box metaphor!
    I think the best part about my best friends is their understanding of me. 🙂

    1. I’m sorry it was a bad week. But it really was. All the more reason to thank goodness foe good friends who can hold you up.

  22. Lovely poem, Renée.

    As I said on FB (I think), I don’t have a best friend as such, but I feel this way about my husband. I can tell him anything.

  23. Renée, ma chère! This poem fits perfectly with the Celebrating Women promotion I’m doing with some other authors. With your permission (pretty, pretty please) I would love to post a link to your poem on my website. Okey dokey? *waving across the lake*

    1. Of course. I’m honored. And I’ve visited every one of their blogs. Boy, you’ve got some great friends!

  24. This was beautiful :

    where smoke drifts upward

    chokes the sky, where dreams hover and die

    and just when i am most alone, you

    are with me, the friend

  25. lovely poem – I read and re-read… I talk to my wife about most things, well some things…I think i’m more like Eli…. but at work (school) I have a BF a go to – to talk, to laugh, and share frustrations about school and life.. we’ve known each other for years and we began working together four years ago – she was the click to my clack and we really complimented each other – we’d bounce ideas off of one another and she was there to curb my enthusiasm when it needed a leash. this year we were separated – different teams – and next year different grade levels. thanks for making me think! I needed it.

  26. Renee, this has AMAZING rhythm. Way to rock the words, lady! Love to see all this creativity shine from you – spoken word poems, colorful artwork and photography. It all makes me smile. Happy healing. You are beautiful. *hug*

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