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MASKED MAYHEM: A PANDEMIC FAUX PAS

Before I enter my local FedEx, I put on my nondescript, surgical-grade hospital mask.

I’ve gotten so used to doing this, I hardly even think about it.

Inside the store, there is a short line and, while I wait, I take in my surroundings.

The blue countertops.

The blue walls.

The copy machines.

The banners.

I also notice that the guy behind the counter is a pretty good-looking dude.

(Y’know, from the eyes up and the shoulders down.)

Dave the FedEx Guy weighs my oversized envelope.

I tell him where specifically my artwork is going overseas and how much it’s valued at.

He tells me how much the shipping will cost. “By the way,” he says, “I like your pants.”

I can tell from the way that his eyes are crinkling up at the corners that he is smiling.

Is he flirting with me? I think.

“We need to sandwich the artwork between some chipboard,” Dave says. “You don’t want your artwork bent or punctured, do you?” He winks and walks away to get whatever it is that he says I need.

At the back of the store, Dave has a brief exchange with two of his coworkers. When he gestures in my direction, both of his coworkers look at me.

Now I’m sure of it.

Dave The FedEx Guy is totally talking about me.

Now I am actually nervous thinking that maybe this Dave guy might ask me out.

I had no idea how to date prior to March of 2020, and I definitely have no idea how to date during a pandemic.

Luckily, I don’t have to think about this for very long.

After packing up my art very professionally, Dave sets my envelope off to the side. “You’re all set,” he says. “Have a nice day!”

As I walk toward the door, I see one of Dave’s coworkers standing behind the tall, blue counter, motioning for me to come toward her.

Oooooh, I think. Dave probably asked her to get my phone number. 

I’m smiling behind my mask ‘cuz I know what’s coming.

Erica’s name-tag is on crooked. “So this is kinda awkward…,” she says.

I’m hardly listening to her because, mentally, I’m scanning the contents my purse.

I know where my business cards are.

I can give her one of those to give to him.

“Your mask is on inside out,” she says, pointing at my face. “And with the lipstick stains, it looks like you have a used maxi-pad on your face.”

Y’all… having a compete stranger tell you that you have what appears to be a USED sanitary napkin on your face is much worse than having toilet paper stuck on the bottom of your shoe.

Much worse than having something stuck between your teeth.

Much worse than having visible panty lines.

“I thought you might want to know,” Erica says.

In my car, I clobber myself with self-criticism.

(Here I am thinking some young, hot dude might be interested in me when — in reality — I’m just a silly old lady who put her mask on wrong.)

Back at home, before removing my mask, I snapped this picture.

For your enjoyment.

And now that particular piece of PPE can be found in my garage. . .

. . . in a bag

. . . at the bottom of my garbage can.

Oh, and I can never go back to that FedEx again.

At least not in those pants.

What masked mayhem have you witnessed? And what embarrassing stuff have YOU done since this pandemic started?

15 thoughts on “MASKED MAYHEM: A PANDEMIC FAUX PAS

  1. This is the best thing I have read all month! Than you! Haha.

    1. Please tell me you have done something equally embarrassing. You don’t have to tell me what…but just tell me. Or, at least, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. 😉

  2. 2020 problems. Who would’ve thought we’d find more ways to embarrass ourselves in public? Thanks for sharing.

    1. I cannot be alone in this. I have to share my horror. Always. 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment!

  3. I bet you’re not the first “old lady” gotten lipstick on your mask… and worn it inside out. Obviously, the hunk couldn’t have thought you were that old. Old ladies’ napkins aren’t usually splotched in red. I know, because I’m one of “those” old ladies. So let’s see the pants that the hunk was admiring.

    1. I looked everywhere for a photo of myself in the cool pants. They are those blue and white ones that have those long slits in them. Kind of reads like a skirt? D’ya know what I’m talking about? Plus I was wearing a belly shirt. But I couldn’t tell the world that my 52 year old belly was exposed now, could I? Soooooo embarrassing.

    1. Hi Dawn: I’m so glad you found a little humor in my embarrassing moment. Truly so awful…I just HAD to share it. How are you holding over there in Michigan?

  4. Made me laugh out loud! A different kind of covid crisis.

    1. A DIFFERENT KIND of COVID CRISIS — now That is a much better title! I’m glad my embarrassing moment gave you a giggle. 🙂

  5. Although at 82 I hardly ever leave the house, I had to drop the dog off at wife’s practice. I grabbed a mask I spotted on the kitchen counter but fortunately it was the industrial rigid “ bra cup” type that cannot be put on backwards.
    Good thing, the inside had both lipstick and makeup. Smelled good. Of course being way past menopause age and still identifying as 100%. over the hill male, your level of embarrassment could not have occurred. But lipstick would have been bad enough.
    My wife gave me one of my very own. Drool isn’t all that noticeable

    1. Hi Steve! It is so nice to hear from you. I have a couple of 82 year olds in my life, and they too are way past menopause age…but at least they aren’t drooling. Yet. Actually, I’m not positive of that. I’ll have to confirm that this weekend and get back to you. Per usual, I LOVE that Hessian humor. Will I ever SEE you again in real life? 🙂

      1. Good to hear from you. I am a prisoner in my comfortable waterfront home because of age and some health risks. Stopped full time work a year ago. But catching up on books I should have read in the. 8th grade

        Hope all is well with you

        Steve

    2. This not funny , but another Covid mask risk. The human ears ( or ear in the case of Van Gogh) have only so much “ behind the ears room”. Mine have hosted eyeglasses and hearing aids for years. No more room at the inn. Several times I have tried rubber string type masks only to find one of my hearing aids dangling or on the floor. at $6000. a pair and not covered by insurance that can make for a bad day. I now have a hand sewn tie behind the head mask which can indeed be worn inside out

  6. You poor thing! I hate those moments. But I love that we can blog about them! *fist bump* 🙂

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