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Sucked Into Sleazy Halloween Costumes

Back in 2009

This blog entry by Kathy English, author of “Mom Crusades” is one of the best articles I’ve read on how Halloween costumes have morphed from simple, home-made creations into an entire industry of expensive outfits.

And when it comes to girls’ (and women’s) costumes well, let’s just say the choices are sometimes downright skanky!

For those of you who don’t know me  — and for those of you who do, before I am accused of being a total hypocrite — I have to confess, I kind of like displaying my inner naughty-girl on Halloween.

Hubby and I like to throw costume parties every few years and I have been a naughty teacher (typecast?), a St. Pauli Girl, a French Maid, even a slutty pirate. Once I wore a really short toga.

A. Really. Short. Toga.

Here’s why:

On Halloween 1999, a mere two months after my son was born, hubby and I decided to go with a “family theme” — you know, because I was about 50 pounds heavier than I was accustomed to weighing.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

My husband was a farmer – complete with red flannel shirt and overalls – our baby was a cute little heifer, and I … I was a big, fat momma cow (complete with over-sized, pink, rubber udders).

Oh. My. Gosh.

Never did I feel less attractive. I really felt like a cow. The fact that I had to go upstairs and actually pump breast milk in the middle of the evening did not help things. As I sat attached to my industrial strength Medela pump, I vowed to never again wear something on Halloween that made me feel unfeminine.

So while I philosophically agree with Kathy’s blog 100%, I am not going to be a hobo with facial hair for Halloween.

What is the best costume you ever wore for Halloween? Or what’s the least appropriate costume you’ve ever seen on an adult? Describe it in detail!

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29 thoughts on “Sucked Into Sleazy Halloween Costumes

  1. The best costume I ever wore for Halloween was in second grade when I was a werewolf. I classmate helped me put on the makeup, and I had these rubber gloves that made my fingers look long and lycanthropic with long curved nails. The only challenge was that the gloves made it hard to grasp the candy i was offered at each home. So I would have to take off a glove, grab my loot, put the glove back on, and then move on to the next house where I would repeat the process. And then I got home and looked in the mirror, and saw that my friend had just smeared the face paint on without any rhyme or reason. The things we do for candy.

  2. I’ve always said that Halloween is the perfect time for us nice girls to show off our inner naughty girl! I was a sexy True Blood vampire last year. This year I’m keeping it simple, but I’m getting to repurpose my fangs from last year. I’m going to post a short vlog later about it.

    The worst costume I’ve ever seen would be a mom who dressed like a slutty cat (complete with a short, spandex skirt that showed her thonged butt cheeks when she bent over). Unfortunately, this was worn by a mom volunteering in my classroom during a Halloween party!

  3. Best costume? I decided to pretend I was my cousin Linda.

    Now I couldn’t match the height (she’s 6 inches shorter than I am) but I could:

    1) Shave REALLY close
    2) Walk around without my glasses on
    3) Wear makeup
    4) Stretch one of my wife’s old bras to the breaking point, and stuff it with newspaper
    5) Put on a decent looking long wig

    Topped it off with jeans and one of my wife’s oversized loose pullovers with a nice feminine design on it (she used it when layering in the middle of winter). The pullover was a bit tight, but since she is a 44DD, not to bad.

    And so I went outside with my wife, and she told all of the neighbors I was one of Wayne’s cousin’s who had come down to help for Halloween, because Wayne had to work – inventory.

    Worked like a charm. We lived in a townhouse complex at the time where we were really well known. The street lights weren’t super bright, and no one caught on until they were practically face to face with me, and the laughs I got from both parents and kids were hilarious.

    That was a fun Halloween.

    This year I’m going as Malcolm Reynolds. I have an official browncoat. Just wish I had his body instead of mine…


  4. So glad we had the day off due to power outages in NJ and I finally got to read your post after months away thanks to the hectic teaching schedule!

    My best costume (for Halloween that is because Mardi Grass is a whole other ball game) was a family costume. My 2 year old was the tin man, my 6’4″ tall husband was a lollipop guild “munchkin” and I was Glenda the good witch. What made the costume great was not only that my costume was hand made yet awesomely authentic but also that every young girl we passed thought I was the real deal. I was looked at in awe and in many a photo. I was fully clothed (something that has not always the case as I have worn a slutty costume in my day as well), looked beautiful and felt like a movie star!

    PS Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes typing on my Droid while waiting for alternate side of the street parking. Got to love NYC!

    1. Sarah!

      I have seen that picture and it is truly excellent! You truly were the embodiment of Glenda! I can’t wait to see what you guys are doing this year… or is the snow a major deterrent?

      And you are right: Mardi Gras is a totally different animal. And only those of us who have lived there can ever understand the difference between Mardi Gras in the Quarter vs. Mardi Gras on the median on St. Charles when you are right in the sweet spot. I miss NOLA. (We need to catch up!)

  5. I think the most unique costume I ever wore was as the headless horseman. I actually carved out a large pumpkin (from the bottom) rather than the top, carved a face, lined the inside with foam like a football helmet and wore it on my head with a black cloak. It looked really cool, except it was terribly difficult to see, the pumpkin was very heavy and I had to use a straw to drink with. Not a good idea for anyone with neck problems! But it was all worth it in the end!

  6. Back when we were dating, my husband went as Man-and-Woman-in-a-Windstorm, complete with one side of my skirt permanently blown up (I wore a slip…).

    This year, I put on a funky red wig and went as my school’s red-haired history teaching having a bad day.

    So, I do funny. IYKWIM.

    1. Funny is good. I have some friends who do funny. They did morning-after-the-prom once. Hilarious! Maybe next year, I’ll get permission from people and show everyone some of the amazing costumes people have worn to our parties. They are truly amazing!

      Or maybe I’ll be lazy.

      We’ll see.

  7. Ha! Love it! I think my best costume was when I was 11 and dressed up like a tube of Crest toothpaste. My mom made the tube/body part out of white felt and used blue and red felt for the Crest logo. I wore a lampshade on my head that looked surprisingly like a screw cap, and carried a giant blue toothbrush made of thick posterboard and a scrub brush.

    1. Okay, but there is no way that you were walking (or seeing) well, right?

      Was this early training for 4-inch platform stilettos?

      You know: “It’s more important to look good than to feel good!”?

      And obviously, the costume was da bomb, but how did you carry your candy when you had all those props?

      Ohhhhh! You already had somebody to do that work for you. Didn’t you? Didn’t you. You DID! 😉

  8. I like feeling “pretty” on halloween, too! I get it, girl.

    When I was really pregnant I got a pair of gossamer wings, wore black overalls, and went as a butterfly. The black was very (cough, cough) slimming. As slimming as I could get, I guess.

    My favorite costume, though, was an authentic poodle skirt and sweater I got from my grandma. She had the best vintage clothes.

    1. Yes, bnlack is always (cough) slimming. And the gossamer wings. A nice distraction. 😉

      You. So. Get. Me.

      Oh to ensconced in my grandmother’s cool poodle skirt; I would totally love it. I would pull my hair into a high ponytail and wear cat eye glasses and everything. 😉

  9. Oh no, seriously?! A Cow? not good.
    I agree, if you’re over the age of 18 and confident with yourself…giver’

    I have no fun costume stories. This year I was a witch (albeit, a glam witch) Booring I know. I’m okay with it.

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